when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage