Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.