Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
me irl
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”