Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel