I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.