Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
We all have our pet causes.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.