So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”