waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Finally! 😈
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month