The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?