Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.