I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My current situation
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it