Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.