Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
You Might Also Like
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.