My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?