I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.