My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My Plans 2020
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
eggs benadryl
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.