Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it