Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
your honor my client chooses dare
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend