Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself