I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.