Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Rambo Rambow
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this