[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.