Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Close call…
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.