What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?