Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
BaD BoY!!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The internet is magic sometimes.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet