I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
❤️🦆
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.