ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Called it
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.