me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
#inspiration #foodforthought
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Born to be mild.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.