Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
You Might Also Like
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.