I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Genius idea!!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot