I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope