I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham