Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.