I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.