in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
mentally somewhere in italy
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.