Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
omg leave her alone
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
🚲+physics = winner
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.