not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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Legend π€£π€£
Itβs like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I will have a piΓ±ata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if Iβd remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I know it sounds mean but when Iβm mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry βmy wayβ.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?