I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool