Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m having an out of money experience.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
The Joker was right
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.