I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.