Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
You Might Also Like
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Same pineapple, same
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.