Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.