You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
You Might Also Like
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
peak technology
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.