[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Meanwhile in Canada…
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It’s the weekend y’all
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Best seat on the street 😍
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Happy Star Wars day!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.