Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.