Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My favorite type of men is ramen.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”