One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Growing out my freckles.