Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO