I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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good morning
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
LMAO
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.