Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?